Usually when I write about chapters its about a book I am in the process of writing, or maybe one that I am reading. This time is somewhat different, and I suddenly feel like I am moving into another chapter of my life.
For the past, almost 7 years since I have returned to Iowa from Los Angeles, I have found myself volunteering for things in the community. From Boy Scouts to the community theater, I’ve managed to devote a tremendously large amount of time to the causes that I believe in. So much so that NOT devoting that time is a foreign concept.
Over the past couple of weeks, a series of events have begun unfolding that have me questioning the time I am giving to others, and not keeping for myself. One in particular had me in tears, and another one close by. I care about both, but it was surprisingly the “restructuring” of one that had me give a resignation. While I am still a member in the overall organization, I am questioning more and more about even that involvement, as the leaders of the organization have, in my opinion, lost its way.
And the other organization I am involved with has been the subject of even more personal stress and emotion, as I am constantly having to try and manage a balance of incredible sensitive egos and personalities, while still trying to move things forward.
This all comes at a point where I am finally getting together my “dream” part time business. Things are picking up steam, and I am actually kind of excited to be realizing things that I had only thought out on paper. Part of me is excited for the new opportunity, and part of me knows that in order for it to succeed, the effort I was putting into community volunteering will have to be diverted into more “selfish” pursuits such as the building of the business.
I think I’ve earned it.
Sometimes I look over all of my efforts, and wonder what will be said of me when I’m gone. A morbid thought, I know – but its one that drives me to give my best in everything I do. I want people to remember me as someone who took the time to give them what they needed, whether it was someone to talk to, someone to build something, or whatever. I want to have known that I made a difference.
So it pains me when I must resign or divert attention away from “giving back.” But I really think it’s time to be selfish for once, and do things for me. And maybe by doing things for me, maybe I will end up doing more than I even thought possible for others.
I’m glad you are with me on the journey.
